Because The Onion is a satirical site, we don’t know quite what to make of this, but we suspect it has more than a little truth. America’s security is being protected at least as much by average Joes as tactical geniuses. And here’s to all you Joes!
“Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don’t Exist’,” is The Onion’s headline.
“According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we’ve been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities,” the piece goes, “there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.
“Fictitious sources also confirmed that the so-called ‘masterminds’ behind our country’s security and strategic defense are in fact people of moderate to reasonably above-average intelligence just like us who perform their jobs with more or less the same degree of competence and zeal as any regular person with a job would.”
All this according to The Onion.
You know who you know, and we’re glad we know a lot of effective people keeping us safe, even if they’re not all supermen and women.